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Fatherhood: A Guide 4b/5


Two mornings later, Puck’s alarm went off at five-thirty. He hurried to shut it off before it woke anyone else up. It took him a second to remember why he chose to wake up at such an ungodly hour. One look at his husband’s sleeping form cleared the confusion up instantly.

Puck knew the smile that graced his face could only be described as shark-like in nature, but he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t often that he got to do this. In fact, he usually kept it to Kurt’s birthday and once a year wasn’t nearly enough for this kind of fun. But that might be why it was so fun. Kind of like Christmas. Or Halloween.

Okay, getting way off track, here. Let’s do this.

Kurt was on his back, arms splayed on the bed. In the night, it seemed, Kurt got too warm and threw off his covers. Easier access for Puck, that was for sure. Kurt’s pale, bare stomach leapt under his featherlike-touch, and he pressed a kiss to the light-brown trail of fuzz leading from Kurt’s bellybutton into his boxer briefs before his fingers snagged the waistband and drew it downward. The boxers rolled off of Kurt’s hips with little resistance.

Puck’s lips traced a path down from Kurt’s bellybutton to his hips, those once razor-sharp hips softened by time, round and gorgeous above his husband’s stomach, and he scraped the flesh with his teeth as his hand skimmed over Kurt’s right thigh and moved upward. His slipped his thumb and index finger under the Kurt’s balls so that his palm cupped his perineum, and he suckled hard and fast on the flesh of the hip in his mouth, leaving a deep purple mark. Kurt’s morning erection brushed warm and soft against his cheek, and Puck turned to run his nose along the hard shaft. Kurt shifted in his slumber and exclaimed wordlessly when Puck’s hand, still palming his scrotum, applied a bit of pressure and stimulated his prostate.

Puck laughed soundlessly into the hair at the base of Kurt’s cock, and he swiped the tip of his tongue where the shaft met Kurt’s scrotum. This was as far as he got last year before Kurt woke up, moaning Puck’s name. He checked, but Kurt’s eyes were still closed in sleep. Not for long.

Puck swallowed Kurt whole, taking all of him into his mouth and throat and pressing his lips to the base of his cock.

NOAH!”

Puck smirked. Half asleep and he still got the name right. Damn, he was good. Kurt was cursing loudly spreading his legs and literally whining for more. Puck chuckled around his cock and Kurt sobbed, “Oh my, God. Noah.” His hands came down and scrambled for purchase on Puck’s shaved head.

Puck pushed with his palm again, and the prostate stimulation got Kurt writhing so hard that the fitted sheet came out from under the mattress and tangled around them. He thrust up into Puck’s willing throat, moaning, “Fuck. Noah, that’s so fucking good.” His hips were pistoning now and Puck relaxed his throat to accommodate Kurt’s length.

Kurt’s hands went from the top of his head to grabbing him by the ears. He not so gently tugged Puck until he lifted himself off of Kurt’s cock. Kurt dragged him by his ears until they were face to face. There, Kurt pressed their lips together, shoving his tongue into Puck’s mouth.

Puck moaned, thrusting his ignored erection into the soft skin of Kurt’s belly. Puck rutted against Kurt, swirling his tongue around Kurt’s. His left hand came up to Kurt’s chest, twisting his nipple savagely.

Kurt broke the kiss with a gasp, “Noah, fuck me.

Puck was having difficulty forming words, his hips humping Kurt’s body uncontrollably. “Not today, princess,” he whispered breathily. With great effort, he pulled himself off Kurt and grabbed the lube from the bedside drawer.

“Noah, please.” Puck looked back to Kurt and moaned.

Kurt was stroking himself, pupils blown in arousal. His cheeks were on fire, his lips bruised from kissing. The hand that wasn’t on his cock was down between his legs, fingering his hole.

“You are the hottest fucking man that ever fucking existed.”

Kurt’s reply was a whining moan, “So fuck me already!”

Puck chuckled, “Watch, babe.” He waited until Kurt’s nearly black gaze connected with his own before coating his fingers with lube. Throwing the bottle at the pillow near Kurt’s head, Puck got on his knees and, under Kurt’s watchful gaze, reached back his lube-slicked hand and thrust two fingers into his hole.

“Holy fuck.” Kurt’s mouth dropped open and his eyes shut closed as his head slammed back into the pillows, thrusting his cock severely in the tight grip of his fist.

“Don’t—oh, God—come yet,” Puck stuttered as his fingers grazed over a particularly sensitive place inside him. He added a third finger and, at the sight of Kurt writhing unrestrained, his cock spurted pre-come.

“If you don’t get on me right fucking now, I swear I will divorce you, Noah Isaac Hummel-Puckerman.” Kurt glared at Puck, his hand now flying furiously on his dick.

Puck removed the fingers from his ass before crawling over to Kurt. He slapped Kurt’s hand away from his dick before straddling his slim hips.

Kurt met his gaze with eyes swimming in arousal. Puck stared into them as he reached behind him and positioned Kurt at his entrance. He waited a beat before sitting down on Kurt’s hard cock.

Kurt’s breath caught as he was enveloped by Puck’s body, his cock dragging along Puck’s inner walls. They groaned in unison as Kurt’s balls touched Puck’s ass.

Kurt reached up and buried his nails in Puck’s hips, and his eyes rolled back as Puck began bouncing himself atop him, one of his hands wrapped around his own cock and stroking it in time with every lift and fall.

Kurt was writhing and twisting under Puck, his hips occasionally jerking hard upward as Puck began each downward descent. This never got old. They’ve been together for nearly ten years now and the feel of the head of Kurt’s cock dragging along Puck’s prostate will always get Puck shaking.

Kurt keened as Puck clenched around him, hips stuttering as he took in the added stimulation. Puck took a second to take it all in. Kurt’s back and neck were arched, head planted in the pillow and eyes half lidded. His cheeks were flooded with color and mouth open as he gasped and shuddered. A drop of sweat poured down the side of his face before Puck reached over and caught it with his tongue.

Kurt’s grip on his waist tightened and Puck knew it wouldn’t be long before he came. Puck arched his back and reached back with his left hand and wrapped his fingers around Kurt’s scrotum, giving it a soft, caressing squeeze, and just before he knew Kurt was about to come, he brought his finger up to his mouth, soaking it in saliva before he moved it downward and slipped it deep within Kurt and pressed against his prostate.

Kurt was gone. His eyes slammed shut as he thrust his cock into Puck with so much force, Puck almost fell off. Puck could feel Kurt’s come spurting in him and did not stop riding him for a second. Kurt jerked and spasmed beneath him while he came, cursing and chanting Puck’s name. At a particularly hard thrust, Kurt hit Puck’s prostate directly and white-hot heat spread up his spine.

“Fuck, fuck, FUCK, KURT!” He yelled without restraint, all of his muscles tightening almost impossibly around Kurt as he came so forcefully that jet after jet of white splattered his chest and the underside of his chin.

Shaking with the force of his orgasm, Puck collapsed on the bed next to Kurt, where he wrapped one arm around Kurt’s chest. Kurt turned so that their chests were touching and brought his lips to Puck’s for a lazy kiss.

“Happy Birthday, princess.”

Kurt sighed and buried his face in the crook of Puck’s neck, “Best birthday sex ever.”

Puck grinned, mission accomplished. “Go back to sleep, babe. We have a couple of hours before we have to be up.”

Kurt hummed with contentment and it wasn’t long before the both of them drifted off to sleep.




A knock on their bedroom door awoke them. Hazy with sleep, Puck couldn’t put together who would be knocking on their door. A quick glance at the clock told him that it was eight-thirty.

“Yes?” Kurt’s voice was groggy.

“Not to disturb you or anything, but Ziva wanted to come wish Kurt ‘Happy birthday’.”

Puck and Kurt started. Kurt pulled the covers to cover them up reflexively, “No! Blaine, don’t let her in here!”

Blaine’s voice was wry, “I had a feeling that was going to be the case. Her and Xander are in the kitchen, decorating the table for your birthday breakfast. Just wanted to give you time to…clean up before pancakes.” His pause was enough indication that he knew the exact state they were in.

“Anderson, you’re a God-send,” Puck fell back against the pillows in relief.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Puck could hear Blaine’s footsteps walking down the hall and he turned to give Kurt a kiss before he was slapped against the chest.

“Hey! What was that for?”

Kurt glared, “We had sex when Blaine was down the hall! He probably heard the entire thing!” His face was red in embarrassment.

“Kurt, he probably heard less down the hall than he would have if was sleeping in his own bed.” Puck remembered the first night Blaine moved in very well.

Kurt’s eyes widened and it occurred to Puck then that he had no idea Blaine’s bedroom was on the other side of their wall. “What do you mean by that?”

Puck winced and explained. Kurt gasped, hands flying to his face, “You mean, Blaine has heard every time we’ve ever had sex?”

Puck nodded and Kurt moaned, “Oh my, God. He must think we’re wanton whores!”

“Hey! We’re married, okay? It’s perfectly Kosher for us to fuck like bunnies, first of all. Second, if you want to feel badly about something, feel bad that he’s only had the company of his right hand for the past month.”

Kurt groaned, “I can’t believe this is happening!”

“I don’t get why you’re so upset,” Puck paused at the sight of Kurt’s glare. “Are you ashamed of us?”

“No!” Kurt cried. “I’d never—it’s just that, you know how I feel about sex. I don’t like anyone knowing or hearing anything about me or us.”

“Tough cookies, babe. But, if it makes you feel any better, once Anderson’s husband comes back, they can return the favor.” He wagged his eyebrows suggestively.

Kurt grabbed a pillow and smacked him with it, laughing. “You’re horrible, Noah Puckerman.”

“Lies!” Puck smiled as he pulled Kurt on top of him, Kurt giggling the entire way. “And it’s Noah Hummel-Puckerman to you, buddy.”

“Of course it is.” Kurt lowered his face to Puck’s in a deep kiss. After a minute of solid making-out, Kurt pulled away.

“Come on. We need to shower and head down for breakfast.”

Puck’s eyes lit up, “Shower sex?”

“How are you not satisfied by that fuck we had not even three hours ago?” Kurt got off the bed and went into the walk in closet, remerging with two towels.

“That was three whole hours ago!” Puck whined half-heartedly.

Kurt’s expression was sly, “How about I let you give me a blow-job and allow you to jerk yourself off on your knees?”

Puck’s cock jumped to attention, “Deal.”




Twenty minutes later, they were laughing as they raced each other down the stairs to the kitchen. Puck pulled ahead, but Kurt shoved past him, making it through the doorway first at the last second.

“I won!”

“You cheated! Pulling my shirt isn’t allowed, Kurt!”

Kurt smirked, “Don’t be a sore loser, Noah.”

“Yeah, don’t be a sore loser, Puck.” Puck finally noticed the other occupant of the kitchen. Blaine was smirking, good hand twirling a spatula as he stood by the stovetop making pancakes.

Kurt was blushing, “Thank you, Blaine. For waking us up and making breakfast.”

Blaine smiled, “It’s no problem. Happy Birthday, Kurt!” He put down the spatula and reached over to give Kurt a one-armed hug. Kurt, mindful of the sling, wrapped both arms around the shorter man and squeezed.

“Thank you.”

As Blaine pulled back, Puck could see a devilish glint in his eyes, “It sounded like you were having a great day already.”

Puck burst into laughter as Kurt’s face exploded in red. He watched as his husband picked up a dishtowel and smacked a laughing Blaine with it.

The sound of small feet running reached Puck’s ears and the three occupants of the kitchen turned to see Ziva running out of the breakfast nook, toward them. Xander trailed after her more slowly.

“Happy Birthday, Papa!” She ran to Kurt, who bent down to pick her up. Ziva immediately hugged his neck and placed a kiss on both cheeks.

“Thank you, baby!”

“We made you breakfast! Mr. Blaine made chocolate chip pancakes because I told him it was your favorite and I folded the napkins and Xander poured the orange juice! I know I’m not supposed to, but he’s really good at it! He didn’t spill once!”

“Alright, my main man!” Puck cheered and offered Xander a hand. Xander slapped it, grinning.

“Happy Birthday, Mr. Kurt.”

Kurt placed Ziva on the floor and reached over to place a kiss on Xander’s cheek. The young boy immediately blushed.

“Thank you, Xander. And thank you for helping with breakfast.”

“You’re welcome,” he mumbled before running over to his father’s legs. He tugged at Blaine’s T-shirt until Blaine bent down so that Xander could whisper in his ear.

“Not right now, Xander. We’ll give it to him later at the party. But you can give him your drawing now, if you want,” Blaine replied to Xander’s hushed inquiry.

Puck watched as Xander raced to the living room. Ziva ran after him. A couple of seconds later, they both returned with sheets of construction paper in their hands.

“Here, Papa! Xander and I drew these for you!”

Kurt was beaming as he accepted both drawings, “Wow! Would you look at these? We have junior Picasso’s in the making.” He paused and scrutinized Xander’s more carefully. “Well, one Picasso and one Monet, if the colors on this one were any indication.”

Puck and Blaine laughed and the kids giggled at Kurt’s put on tone. “My dad told me that snapdragon flowers were your favorite and he helped me find a picture of them on the computer. I copied the picture with my coloring pencils.” His eyes were on the floor the entire time, his foot tracing an imaginary path. Puck held back his laughter. Xander’s shyness was adorable.

Kurt’s eyes were shining and he pulled Xander in for a hug. “Thank you, Xander. It’s a beautiful drawing.”

Xander returned the hug and pulled back, a smile stretching his face. He beamed at the praise and Puck could see Blaine grinning out of the corner of his eye.

“Mine’s not as nice as Xander’s, because he’s a better artist. But I drew you a picture of a cake because it’s your birthday!”

Kurt kissed the top of Ziva’s head. “I can see that! And it’s beautiful, too, Ziva. Both these pictures are going up on the wall in my office.”

Ziva squealed, “Really, Papa?”

“Of course! All my co-workers are going to be so jealous that I have original Ziva and Xander drawings and they don’t!”

Ziva giggled and hugged his legs, “Don’t be mean to them, Papa. Tell them if they want some, we can draw more!”

Kurt put his hands on his hips, looking down at Ziva with mock-frustration, “How will I be special then?”

“You have me as a daughter!” Puck and Blaine burst into hysterical laughter as Kurt picked up Ziva and twirled her around.

“Your daughter might be the only person in the world more sassier than you are, Kurt!” Blaine was wiping tears of mirth off his face.

“I surprisingly have no objections to that,” Kurt replied, setting Ziva down again.

Blaine handed Kurt the plate of pancakes from inside the oven, where he had been keeping them warm. He handed Puck he syrup and picked up the butter dish for himself, “Shall we eat?”



After a breakfast filled with teasing and laughter, Blaine was wiping down the table while Kurt and Puck were washing the dishes. Xander and Ziva retreated to her room to go play. The doorbell halted all their activities.

Kurt turned to Puck, incredulous, “That can’t be Finn and Mercedes OR my Dad and Carol!”

Puck shrugged, going to answer the door, “I could be Finn and ‘Cedes, they could have left early.”

When he opened the door, his jaw dropped open. On his front step stood Burt, Carol, Sarah, Finn, and Mercedes, who was holding their three-year old daughter, Sasha.

“Surprise!” they chorused, grinning at Puck’s stunned expression.

“Babe, who is—“ Kurt, who had come up behind Puck, stopped suddenly. “What are you all doing here?!”

“Happy Birthday!” they chorused again.

“Mohawk, mind stepping aside so we can come in and I can hug my son?” Puck scrambled aside, allowing Burt to pass the threshold and garb Kurt in a large hug. Kurt laughed and returned the embrace.

“Dad, what are you doing here so early? Your plane was supposed to be leaving the gate right about now?”

Burt shrugged, letting go of Kurt so that Carol could hug him. Kurt beamed as she kissed him and wished him a happy birthday. “We were flying on standby anyway and got to the airport early. There was a plane available right then, so we took it.”

Finn hugged Kurt after his mother, “And then he called me and ‘Cedes. We were awake anyway because of Sash, so we decided to load up the car and leave right away.”

“We got to JFK right as their plane landed. It worked out perfectly!” Mercedes maneuvered herself around so that she could embrace Kurt without letting go of Sasha.

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Kurt!” Sasha reached out for him and Kurt gladly accepted her from her mother.

“Thank you, Sasha-bear. Oooh, it’s so good to see you!” He peppered her giggling face with kisses and hugged her tightly.

“Hey! No love for me?” Kurt rolled his eyes at Sarah’s complaint.

“Twenty-one years old and you still act like a child. What am I going to do with you Puckermans?”

“Marry them?” Puck and Sarah said in unison, cheekiness apparent. Puck laughed and turned to high five his sister before pulling her into a hug.

“How’s it feel to be done with your junior year at Wes, sis?” He asked as he ushered in the clan, shutting the door behind him.

Sarah groaned, “Don’t remind me! I don’t want to have to deal with the thought of being a senior. Or worse, a real adult.” She took a second to glare at Mercedes, “And I’d feel much better about it if some Nazi-dictator government professor didn’t give me a B in her class.”

Puck laughed, “Go Professor Jones!”

Mercedes rolled her eyes, “Stop being so dramatic, Sarah. It was a B+ and you can’t deny the fact that your final paper was mediocre at best.”

Finn and Kurt winced in unison. “Harsh, ‘Cedes,” Finn said as he kissed the top of her head.

Sarah deflated, “No, she’s right. But in my defense, that Biochem final nearly killed me.”

“And you got an A in that class. It’s all about redirecting your efforts, babe. And since you’re applying to med school, I think an A in Biochem will outshine the B+ in some silly little gov class.”

Sarah was affronted, “Silly little gov class? Are you kidding, Mercedes? That class was the bomb.”

Mercedes preened, “Yeah, I know. I just wanted to make you feel better.”

“If you two are done kissing each other’s asses, maybe you’d realize that Kurt’s been trying to reintroduce you all to Anderson for the past five minutes.” Puck grinned at the sight of Blaine awkwardly shuffling in the doorway of the kitchen, dishtowel slung over his shoulder. Kurt glared at Puck from next to Blaine.

“My crass Neanderthal of a husband aside, I would like to reintroduce you all to Blaine. Do you remember Blaine?”

Finn pushed past the crowd, “We’re not that old, dude! Hey, Blaine it’s been a long time!” He engulfed Blaine in one of his customary hugs.

“Hey, Finn. Yeah, it’s been too long,” Blaine laughed as he returned the embrace.

Mercedes greeted him next, “Where have you been? I know Kurt and Puck invited you to their wedding all those years ago.”

“My husband and I were actually out of the country on our honeymoon. We had a small wedding and hightailed it to Europe for the summer,” Blaine replied, moving from Mercedes to hug Carol.

“Still, it’s so good to see you sweetie. And what great luck that you moved in next door!”

“Yeah, great luck,” Puck snarked at Carol’s sentiment. “We were thrilled.”

Kurt motioned to Sarah, “I have a child in my hands, so I’d rather not. Sarah, do me the honor of hitting your brother, will you?”

Puck recoiled as his sister complied with glee. “Geez, I was just joking. Anderson’s my bro now and besides, it’s me that helps him get dressed and undressed everyday. Where have you been, Kurt?”

Kurt raised one eyebrow at him, “You won’t allow me to help because you don’t want me to see Blaine half-naked, if I recall correctly.”

Puck had the courtesy to blush as Blaine glared at him, “Oh, yeah.”

Burt shook his head after giving Blaine a one armed hug, “Where did I go wrong, allowing my boy to marry that?”

“You love me, old man.”

“No, I love the grandchild you bestowed me with. Speaking of which, where is she?”

Almost as if on cue, the crowd of people in the living room could hear the distinct noise of Ziva flying down the stairs.

“THEY’RE HERE! THEY’RE HERE. XANDER, COME MEET MY GRANDPA AND GRANDMA AND MY AUNT MERCEDES AND UNCLE FINN AND AUNT SARAH AND SASHA!”

Burt smiled widely as he caught Ziva, who made a wild leap off the stairs, “There she is! One of my two favorite granddaughters!”

“Grandpa, you only have two granddaughters!”

“How lucky am I that they’re both great?”

Sarah, who was rubbing the inside of her ear, winced, “Still haven’t managed to teach her the concept of an indoor voice yet?”

Puck shrugged, “Can’t beat genetics. And she is Kurt’s daughter, after all.”

Sarah smacked him. “Kurt told me to,” she offered by way of explanation. Puck turned to see his husband giving Sarah a thumbs up. Puck stuck his tongue out at him as Sarah turned to Blaine.

“Sorry, didn’t get a chance to introduce myself. I’m Sarah, Noah’s younger sister.”

Blaine shook her hand, “Blaine Anderson. Next door neighbor and friend, sometimes.”

“And ex-boyfriend of Kurt.” Puck glared at his sister. “Does my brother resent you at all?”

Puck clamped a hand over his sister’s mouth, “Ignore the spawn. I do.”

Blaine waved it off, grinning, “Believe me. I know the pain of sisters. It’s worse when they’re older.”

“I feel you, dude-bro.” They fistbumped and shared a smirk as Sarah’s muffled protests took on a louder volume.

“HEY, EVERYBODY!” Puck turned, along with everyone else, to his daughter, who had finished greeting her family and was now on the stairs. “THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND, XANDER. HE’S SIX AND REALLY NICE.”

Xander was trying to hide behind the banister, his face red at the gaze of that many pairs of eyes. Puck saw Mercedes and Finn share a smile and Carol coo. Blaine was shaking his head, “I don’t understand how two people who are that different get along so well.”

Puck laughed, “Beats me.”

They both grinned as the family took cautious steps toward bringing Xander out of his shell by introducing themselves.

Sarah broke free of Puck’s hold, “I’m about to fall asleep right here. Do you have any coffee?”






The rest of the day was spent getting ready for the evening’s festivities. The adults divided their time between food and backyard preparation and getting the guests settled in. It was decided that Blaine and Xander would remain staying with Kurt and Puck and the two couples would take over the bedrooms of Blaine’s house. Sarah was going to camp out in Xander’s room, only after she tickled Xander’s permission out of him. He was already warming up to Ziva’s extended family, making quick friends out of Sarah, Sasha, and Finn, who had a habit of winning over little kids with piggy-back rides.

Kurt, who still had not been outside and had not seen the outdoor kitchen, was washing the vegetables for the salad in the sink, while Puck was getting the grill started. Blaine was putting finishing touches on the cake. Finn and Mercedes were napping next door and Sasha, who was positively adored by Ziva, was playing the junior detective in Ziva and Xander’s ongoing mystery. The three were scouting around the house in search of “clues” that Puck had laid out for them. He grinned to himself as he thought about the final destination, which was of course the cake.

It was five o’clock when the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it!” Sarah called out as she went to open the door.

Puck’s ears picked up the sound of excited squealing and he knew before his sister announced it who had arrived.

“Kurt, Noah! Mai and Mav are here! The gay to straight ratio has officially gone up!”

Puck breathed out a long, suffering sigh. He smirked as he heard Kurt’s reply.

“Good. Maybe now the party will be as fabulous as I hoped it to be.”

Puck went inside and up the stairs and walked into the kitchen, setting his sights on Kurt who was in the middle of a Mai and Mav hug sandwich.

“Happy birthday, Kurt!” They said in unison.

“Thank you, thank you. And thanks for coming! It’s the usual crowd, of course, and our next door neighbor.”

Mav raised one eyebrow in disbelief, “The crazy old man with the unibrow?”

Puck and Kurt shuddered. “No! God, no! New neighbor, actually. He went to school with me and Noah, way back when. Him and his son are here today.”

Mai gasped, “You went to high school with him and he moved in next door? That’s amazing! Every time I think New York is a big place, I hear some crazy story like this!”

“Crazier even, when you find out he was Kurt’s first boyfriend,” Sarah smirked as she mixed the lemonade in the pitcher. Puck glared at her.

“Get out!” Mai and Mav breathed together, before Mav burst into laughter.

“This is so freaking awesome!”

“What’s so freaking awesome?” Blaine asked distractedly as he brought the cake in from the living room. “Also, Puck, did you really have to make the target of their scavenger hunt the cake? This is the third time I had to move it!”

Kurt ignored him, “Mai, Mav, this is the friend we were just talking about, Blaine. Blaine, this is Mai and Mav. They’re friends of ours. They used to work at the club that Noah worked at.”

Blaine smiled and offered his hand, “It’s so nice to meet you. Wait, you worked at the club? Were you there the first night Puck and Kurt ran into each other again?”

The women burst into hysterical laughter, clutching at each other at the memory. Kurt bore holes into the top of Blaine’s head as Blaine smiled innocently. Puck shoved a carrot into his mouth to prevent his laughter, knowing full well that Kurt would make him regret it.

“I swear to God, I will strike all of you down if you bring up that night again. Also, as far as my dad is concerned, Noah and I ran into each other in a café. That’s it.” He stared them all down before turning in the direction of the stairs, calling out, “Ziva! Your favorite lesbians are here!”

Mai clapped her hands together, “We’re her favorite lesbians?!”

“Works out well. She’s our favorite uterine parasite,” Mav said as she placed Kurt’s present on the dining room table.

Blaine blanched and Puck lost it. He nearly choked on the carrot as he cracked up, both at Mav’s comment and at Blaine’s reaction to it.

Kurt waved his hand dismissively, “Don’t mind her. She’s actually smarter and classier than she first appears.”

“Love you, too, Hummel.”

Mai opened her mouth to no doubt reprimand her girlfriend and defend her in the same breath, but something else entirely came out when she saw Ziva running up the stairs, “Ziva! How’s my favorite speed-demon?”

“Mai! You’re here! You can meet my new friend Xander! And you met Sasha before!” Ziva’s dress had somehow survived the day of running and burrowing everywhere. Kurt had chosen it. It was the same forest green as her eyes, making them seem even larger than they already were. Must be how she pulled off the innocent look with a slingshot hid behind her back.

“What if we don’t want to meet your new friend?” Mav hands were on her hips, looking down at Ziva with mock-challenge.

Puck grinned as a confused expression made its way on his daughter’s face, “But why wouldn’t you? Is it because you don’t like boys? That’s okay!”

Blaine clapped a hand over his mouth, but the sound of his laughter reached Puck’s ears anyway. Mav’s effort to maintain a straight face was apparent, but even she couldn’t hold it when Mai buried her face in her back, shaking with laughter.

“Come here, you adorable brat!”

“No!” she shrieked, running away. Mav followed her, hands opening and closing in grabbing motions. Mai smiled after them, turning to Puck, Kurt, Sarah and Blaine with raised eyebrows.

“Sometimes I wonder about that one.”

Kurt handed her a glass of lemonade, “Vodka’s that way if you want or need it. My parents, Finn, and Mercedes should be here any minute. They’re staying at Blaine’s and were just settling in.”

Mai gratefully accepted the drink, “So what are you up to for the summer, Sarah? Finish the school year alright?”

“As well as possible when you have Mercedes for a professor. I’m actually spending the summer at Wes doing research. Finn and ‘Cedes are letting me stay with them in Middletown in exchange for free babysitting. And they’re letting me use their car on weekends, so I thought I’d come into the city from time to time.”

Puck’s ears perked, “To visit us, right, Sarbear?”

Sarah deliberately busied herself by putting the cloth napkins through napkins rings, “Sure, Noah. I’ll visit sometime.”

Puck’s temper rose, “You’re still seeing him?!”

Kurt winced and shared a look of despair with Mai. “Yes, I’m still seeing him, Noah! Don’t act like he’s some sort of delinquent. He’s in his second year at Columbia Med, for God’s sake!”

“Exactly! And you’re a junior in college! He dated a freshman as a senior, do you know what kind of guy that makes him?”

Sarah threw down the napkin she was folding, “We were in the same lab, okay? It doesn’t matter how old he is, Noah! I’m so tired of having this discussion with you. I’m a grown woman and I can see whoever I want, especially if he’s a good guy.”

“Look, at your age, I was—“

“A father.” Kurt, Mai, and Blaine gasped. Puck’s throat went dry, his mouth gaped open. “You got Quinn pregnant when you were sixteen. I learned from that, okay? Am I a virgin? No. Did my first time happen with someone I love? Yes. You can’t really say the same, can you?” With that, she stormed past Kurt and Mai. Puck heard the front door open and slam shut, but he was paralyzed, gripping the edge of the kitchen island in a death grip.

The air was heavy with tension, broken only when Kurt moved to squeeze Puck’s upper arm in a supportive way, “I’ll go after her.” He left.

“I’m going to find Mav and meet Xander,” Mai said quietly, patting Puck on the shoulder once before she left him and Blaine.

“Puck.” Puck looked up from where he was staring at the countertop. Blaine was making his way over to him, eyes pitying. “She didn’t mean it.”

Puck laughed derisively, “Which part? The part about learning from the fact that her older brother was a womanizing jackass or the part about her not being a virgin? Because I’m pretty sure both are true.”

Blaine frowned, “You were never a womanizing jackass and it doesn’t really matter if she’s a virgin or not, Puck. Look at us! We both lost our virginities in high school. If she really did wait until college when she was ready, it’s that something to be proud of?”

“Middle school.” The two words killed Puck to say, but they were out there now. “I lost my virginity in middle school to one of Sarah’s babysitters. Like a slut. You think I’m angry at her having sex? I’m pissed at myself for acting like her father when I’ve never set a good example for her!” He slammed a fist down on the countertop. “Fuck!”

“Calm down!” Blaine placed his hand on top of Puck’s clenched fist, “Calm down, Puck. Look, you’ve made mistakes. We all have. But does that mean you can’t act like a parent to your younger sister? Of course not! Just look at Ziva! She’s a happy, healthy, incredibly intelligent little girl.”

Puck snorted, “No thanks to me.”

“If Kurt heard that, you know he’d bitchslap you from here to next Tuesday, right?”

The corners of Puck’s mouth rose unintentionally at the image, “Yeah.”

Blaine smiled, “Good. You’re not completely lost. Now, I don’t know why you’re so hung up on Sarah’s boyfriend, but if it’s just the age thing, then you need reevaluate your feelings. Because making a big deal out of three years? You’re fighting a losing battle.”

Puck sighed, “It’s not just the age thing. They got together her first semester and have been together for three years now. It’s getting really serious, but he’s only her first real boyfriend. I don’t want her rushing into anything.”

“Sometimes you get lucky with the first one,” Blaine shrugged. “It wasn’t the case for you and Kurt or me and my husband, but people get lucky. Besides, if they really have been together for this long, you can’t really say they’re rushing into anything. I don’t know anything about the situation, but I do know when you yell at your sibling to do one thing, they’ll do the exact opposite out of spite. Believe me, I’m the younger sibling.” He grinned and Puck found himself grinning back.

“So what did you learn from your older sister?”

“Pink taffeta should never be attempted,” he shuddered and the both of them laughed. Puck stopped at the sound of the front door opening again. Turning toward the entrance to the kitchen, he was relived when he saw Sarah standing there, one arm rubbing the other nervously.

“I’m sorry, Noah.”

“Come here,” Puck opened his arms and Sarah rushed into them, hugging his torso. He folded his arms around her. “I’m the one who’s sorry, Sarah. I was a jackass. You’re so much smarter than I was at your age, it’s not my place to tell you what to do.”

“I shouldn’t have used Beth as a point in an argument.” Puck really wished that it wasn’t second nature for his breath to catch at the sound of her name, but it was something he had to work on. “And I should really invite Danny over for dinner so you can see for yourself that he’s a great guy and not have to rely on my saying so.”

“I trust you, Sarbear, but it would be nice to meet the guy that got you interested in Van Halen.” Sarah flashed him a smile and he knew he was forgiven.

“Ugh,” Kurt exclaimed from where he entered behind Sarah. “He likes Halen? Dump him, Sarah. Seriously. You’ll never regret it.”

“Hey, Noah? The next time you get married, can you marry someone who isn’t an opinionated bitch?”

Blaine blanched again, but Kurt laughed as he threw a sponge at Sarah’s head. “Ungrateful wench, you are.”

“Baby, I was born this way!” She yelled as she ran upstairs. “And I have to get ready for the party, so no one go into Ziva’s room, okay?”

“Never have I regretted Gaga’s lyrics more,” Kurt shook his head, but the grin on his face belied his feelings.

“Thanks for dealing with that, babe.” Puck wrapped his arms around Kurt’s waist, head falling on his shoulder.

Kurt placed one hand on his head, “I didn’t do anything. Really.”

“Thanks for nothing, then.” Puck laughed at Blaine’s affronted expression.

“How are the two of you still married? You’re horrible to one another!”

Kurt rolled his eyes, “How are you surviving New York? You have no concept of sarcasm!”

“Touché, Kurt. Touché.”

“Can we make the salad now, I’m starving!” Puck whined.

“Oh shut up and start chopping the tomatoes, you big baby.”

Hey, guys?” The three men turned toward the stairs that led to the basement, where Mav’s floated up to the kitchen. “Should Ziva be climbing the bookcase and swinging from the light fixture?

Kurt raced out of the room and down the stairs, “What do you think, Mav?”

Puck pointed the knife he was using at Blaine, who held up his hand in defense, “This is your fault, Anderson. No one climbs furniture like you do, you hobbit!”

Blaine grimaced, “You might be right.”

“Ziva, if you don’t jump down right now, you’ll be sent to your room for the rest of the day. No party and no cake!” Puck and Blaine paused, listening for more of Kurt in strict Papa-mode. “Xander, I know your first inclination is to let Ziva do what ever she wants, but if one of you will get hurt, tell her no. It’s good practice for the future, I promise. Mav, the same goes for you.”

Puck and Blaine hurried to look like they weren’t listening when the sound of Kurt’s footsteps coming up the stairs reached their ears. Blaine was reapplying a layer of frosting to the cake and Puck was chopping cucumbers when Kurt came in, shaking his head, “We might as well have four kids in this house right now. Now hurry up, I’m starving and it’s my birthday.”




Two hours later, Puck was clearing up the outdoor table. The food was delicious and the backyard looked great. Kurt’s reaction to the outdoor kitchen was priceless. He squealed and jumped up and down, clapped excitedly. It took Puck right back to high school, when Kurt would get excited over the littlest of things. He jumped on Puck and thanked him with a deep kiss that only ended when Burt pulled them apart.

The barbeque went well. Everyone was fed and happy. Blaine was getting acquainted with Mai and Mav and Burt and Carol were having fun with their grandchildren. Ziva fed Sasha and was fed by Carol. Burt sat with Xander on his lap, chatting about Ziva’s latest antics, the most apparent commonality between them. Kurt and Mercedes were discussing some fashion trend and Finn and Puck were giving Sarah tips about her next fantasy baseball game.

All in all, the dinner was a success and now it was time for Kurt to open presents before cake and coffee. After Puck and Kurt removed the plates, Puck sat Kurt down in the chair of honor and brought out the pile of presents for him to open.

Kurt oohed and aahhed appropriately as he opened his gifts. He laughed upon opening Sarah’s gift. It was a Wesleyan sweatshirt. “Noah’s always complaining about how you steal his, so I got you your own.”

“I don’t steal the sweatshirt because I like it, Sarah.” He winked devilishly at her and she squealed.

“Ew! Did I just help you get Noah laid? Ew!” Puck laughed, but stopped abruptly at Burt’s glare.

After opening Finn and Mercedes’ gift (“Tickets to Rachel’s new show? You shouldn’t have! Really, you s—ow, Noah! I just kidding!”) and thanking Mav and Mai profusely for the vintage Dolce and Gabana brooch they had given him, Kurt turned his attention toward Xander, who was walking to him, head hung in shyness.

“This is for you, Mr. Kurt.” He revealed a small, brightly wrapped package from behind his back. He handed it to Kurt before running back to his father, climbing into Blaine’s lap.

Kurt smiled at him and tore open the package, gasping as he saw what it was. Puck craned his neck from where he was sitting on the arm of Kurt’s chair to get a better look.

It was a large multi-picture frame with four pictures of the Hummel-Puckermans. The first one was a picture of Puck and Kurt holding Ziva on the way home from the hospital. The next was one of Puck holding a chocolate-smeared faced two-year old Ziva with Kurt laughing in the background. The third was of the three of them dressed for Ziva’s fourth Halloween. Ziva was Batgirl, Kurt Batman, and Puck Robin. The last one was of Puck and Kurt pushing a laughing Ziva on the swings in the park.

“It was his idea,” Blaine explained. “He picked out the frame and the photos from the pile Puck gave us.”

Kurt placed the gift on the table and walked over to where Xander was hiding his face in Blaine’s neck. “Xander?” The boy looked up at him with wide hazel eyes. “This was the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten. Thank you.”

Xander smiled shyly, “You’re welcome.” Kurt kissed his curls and walked back over to his chair.

“Hear that? You were all beaten by a six-year old.” The adults cracked up and Ziva yelled above the din.

“See! I told you my best friend is the greatest!” With that, she went over to Xander and tugged at his arm until he climbed out of Blaine’s lap. She went on to lead him to the garden, where her, Xander, and Sasha continued their game of Detective.

Burt fixed his ever-present ball cap before leaning forward and handing Kurt a manila envelope, “I can’t really beat that, but be aware that this is only one part of mine and Carol’s present.”

“I hope you like it, Kurt.” Kurt smiled, if confusedly, at Carol before opening the envelope and pulling out the sheet of paper that was in it. Puck leaned over.

It was a real-estate ad for a house in New Brunswick, New Jersey. “You bought us a house in Jersey?” Kurt’s face was flabbergasted—much as Puck felt.

“Dad, I love you and this is a beautiful gesture, but I’m not moving to Jersey!” His tone was filled with disdain and Mercedes, Puck, Blaine, and Finn sniggered as Burt smirked.

“The house isn’t for you, Kurt.”

“Then whose is it—“

“It’s ours. Mine and Carol’s.” His eyes—so much like Kurt’s—were twinkling under the baseball cap and Puck fought for breath as he realized what was happening.

Kurt’s eyes were wider than Puck has ever seen them, “You’re moving to Jersey?”

“We’re moving forty-minutes away, darling,” Carol was smiling and it was infectious as Finn and Kurt returned it.

“Mom, this is so cool!” Finn laughed.

“We figured that you and your brother live on the East Coast now, and that’s not going to change and we’re both tired of only seeing our grandchildren four times a year. Now we can see the both of you whenever we want. I already opened up a shop there and your Uncle Lennie is taking over the one in Lima. He’s also renting out the house, so it stays in the family,” Burt explained.

“But what about Mom?” Puck ran a hand down Kurt’s back as the tense question left his mouth. He was thinking the same thing.

“Kiddo, your mom will always be there and, like I said, the house is still in the family. Lennie says that we’re welcome to stay whenever and Puckerman’s mom is still in Lima, so you’ll be visiting her, too.”

“He’s got a point, babe,” Puck whispered in Kurt’s ear.

Kurt looked up, face serious before all traces of seriousness were erased with a sly grin, “So, what’s the second part of my present?”

Burt and Carol laughed, “Well, we’re hiring you to decorate it.”

“Yes! A chance to bring classy to Jersey! This is exciting!” Kurt fist pumped the air and Blaine and Finn shared a look. “Ziva, Sasha! Come look at what Grandpa got me for my birthday!”

Ziva looked up from her game and ran to her father, Sasha toddling behind her. Xander followed at a more confined pace. Ziva climbed into Kurt’s lap and Puck picked up Sasha. Xander looked at the paper in Kurt’s hand from his place by Blaine.

“What did you get, Papa?”

“Your Grandpa and Grandma bought a house in New Jersey. They’re going to be living close by, so you can see them every weekend!”

“NO!” Puck reeled back the force of Ziva’s cry. “NO, YOU CAN’T!”

Kurt stared in shock at his hysterical daughter, “Ziva, what’s wrong?” The rest of the adults looked on in worry.

Ziva didn’t answer Kurt, choosing to jump out of his lap and into Burt’s, crying as she hugged him.

“Zi, tell Grandpa what’s wrong.” Burt rubbed her shaking back and whispered to her.

“YOU CAN’T MOVE TO JERSEY, YOU’RE NOT A DEGENERATE!”

Puck, who had been looking at Finn, Blaine and Mercedes, watched as everyone’s eyes widened impossibly.

Mav broke the dam. She fell out of her chair, laughing so hard, she wasn’t making any noise. Hysterical giggles traveled up Puck’s body until the spilled out. Within a second, the entire backyard, save for the kids and Kurt, was choking on laughter.

“WHAT’S SO FUNNY?” Ziva yelled, tears still running down her now furious face.

“Aw, baby, they’re laughing at me, not you,” Kurt sighed. “I made a mistake. It’s not only degenerates that live in New Jersey, I promise. I was just being mean.”

Ziva’s nostrils flared in a manner so much like Kurt, Puck laughed harder. Blaine’s face was buried in his arm on the tabletop and Mercedes kept trying to stop, but she couldn’t manage it.

“Grown ups are crazy,” Ziva declared, jumping out of her Grandpa’s lap and storming inside. Xander, who was so confused, ran after her, pausing only to hold the door open for Sasha, who had followed him.

It took everyone some time to collect themselves, Ziva’s storm out not doing anything to alleviate their mirth.

Blaine was wiping tears away, “So Ziva is definitely Kurt’s child. Good, I was worried for a while there.”

Mai raised her glass, “To Kurt and his outstanding fatherhood!”

“To Kurt!” the rest toasted much to Kurt’s chagrin.

Kurt pouted, “You guys suck.”

Puck kissed his cheek, “Only when you want me to.” He ducked at the last second to avoid the apple Burt hurled at him.

It was the best birthday they’ve had in a while.

Comments

( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
wearemagnetised
Jan. 22nd, 2012 07:17 am (UTC)
I cannot handle this fic. ALL THE AWARDS to you bb<3
I love everything about this chapter!
eyesarmslove
Jan. 22nd, 2012 03:07 pm (UTC)
I'M SO HAPPY YOU LIKED IT :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD
solarisday
Jan. 22nd, 2012 09:39 am (UTC)
Wow! I'm in love with the awesome that is this fic.
eyesarmslove
Jan. 22nd, 2012 03:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm so happy you liked it!

Thank you for reading and commenting, that means so much!
naryakiuxen
Jan. 22nd, 2012 08:14 pm (UTC)
aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha I LOVE THIS!
I reread it whole and I LOVE IT!!!
eyesarmslove
Jan. 22nd, 2012 11:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed! Thank you for reading and commenting! :D
allatingle
Jan. 22nd, 2012 09:26 pm (UTC)
“YOU CAN’T MOVE TO JERSEY, YOU’RE NOT A DEGENERATE!”

lmao. So much fun, thanks!
eyesarmslove
Jan. 22nd, 2012 11:54 pm (UTC)
MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IS MAKE FUN OF JERSEY!

Can you tell? Lol.

Thank you for reading and reviewing! I'm so glad you enjoyed!
chyldofeternity
Jan. 24th, 2012 12:55 am (UTC)
OMG The awesome that is this verse has just killed me!! I love that Mav was asking if Ziva should be climbing on furniture. And Xander is just TOO precious! And I love this Noah! OMG He's hotter than ever! And this Kurt! This is what Kurt should be on the show instead of the prissy little diva.

All your awesome brokes my brain.
eyesarmslove
Jan. 24th, 2012 01:37 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! Yes, Mav is hilarious and Xander is my precious baby. And yes, the only way to make Noah hotter is by giving him airtime with a child. Instant hotness boost! :D ANd I love this Kurt, but I also love canon!Kurt except for the fact that he's dating Blaine. I don't think he's prissy at all! Although, this season, he is more toned down than he's usual fabulous self and I blame the writer for making him too dependent on his boyfriend XD

But thank you so much for reading and reviewing so awesomely. It makes my day!
fanomy
Jan. 26th, 2012 12:02 pm (UTC)
Just read the whole thing. Unadulterated AWESOME.

Can't wait for more.
eyesarmslove
Feb. 1st, 2012 08:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I promise it won't be as long a wait for the next chapter!
naryakiuxen
Feb. 8th, 2012 05:27 pm (UTC)
Aaaaaaaaaaaand after re-reading that sexy part I must say: Ziva's room must have been seriously sound proofed XD
eyesarmslove
Feb. 8th, 2012 07:00 pm (UTC)
Lol, she sleeps like the dead. Just like her Papa, which is excellent for their sex life.

They just hope they can get away with it when she's older, or Puck will really have to invest in that soundproofing!
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )